Today is a completely new day. If you can start your life over again at any moment, I am choosing this one riiiight...here. I ate a reasonable - nay, spectacular - breakfast this morning, didn't throw it up, and now am drinking water while I catch up on correspondence and deep-condition my hair.

30 days til The Gorge, 30 days to change my life. If every day until Gorge time I can make nothing but positive, beneficial decisions, how much better off will I be? 30 days of eating well, moving my body, being honest, moisturizing, doing Kegels and heel raises while I brush my teeth (right after taking my Prozac).

Searching for lessons to lessen the pain.

This would be the episode in which Charlotte gets engaged to Harry, Burger breaks up with Carrie via Post-It, and Samantha fits into skinny jeans. I need to stop finding serendipitous paralells between my life and S&tC reruns. But while we're momentarily on the subject of grasping-at-straws W&GS pop-culture demo-study, how ridiculous is the new "Hail to the V" commercial? Wow.

...and then there's the flying trapeze episode. ...approximately 12 hours after Bridget (of the Bridget's Sexiest Beaches Bridgets) did the same thing. AND THEN THERE'S CHARLOTTE CAREFULLY ORCHESTRATING A "NATURAL[CANDID]" PHOTOSHOOT.

NO KISSING PICTURES: IT'S TACKY.

Feeling: anxious. excited. Terrified that this is yet another one of my definitive promises to myself that’s serves no purpose beyond justifying one “final” fuck-up. Not even…remotely hopeful that it might be? No, that sounds too negative. Um…excited, terrified, I don’t know…just…moreso just sleepy.

Urges: to body-check a lot. Especially after someone told me my cheeks looked puffy. [which borderline made me wanna kill myself/cry/go home “sick”/something really crazy and neurotic and BIG] I weighed myself a bunch today…which is something I haven’t done in awhile (pictures = far more interesting/manipulatable?) to reassurance seek. to avoid. to restrict. to binge/purge. purge. over-exercise. to misspell “exercise” like a retard.

Behaviors: I’m still trying to determine how to rank my cues and resists…what is my standard here: who am I trying to appease? I did not binge. I did not purge. I ate oatmeal for breakfast, had an apple before work, and just polished off a mad schlorp of garlic hummus w celery for dinner. I am pleased with my food choices, but realize I am pleased with those choices because they’re a “preferable” mutation of disordered. I feel like because I didn’t over-indulge, that somehow my day was more on the Win side of things…but, in reality every single thing I’ve done today has been directly or indirectly been guided by some food-related thought…so…I don’t know?

Challenged by: urges

Valued: Correspondence; it’s good to be back in circulation. My friends make me feel important and smart. And loved. And that’s pretty important.

Positive: I am starting. Last time was the last time.