It's been forever.


...and yet, really, never at all.

I really wanted to tell someone everything last night. Not that "everything" included anything particularly salacious or even interesting really...I just wanted it all out there, no longer ::in here::

I wanted to purge it all. Of course.

Irony noted.

I think I even started composing an email to...a therapist/friend/my own inbox...maybe I just did that in my head, noted what an excellent, seemingly manageable idea that sounded like (intheory) and then proceeded to get into my car at 3am in search of those super smooshy grocery store cookies that now apparently come in watermelon flavor for a limited time this summer.

Oops.

I didn't find them of course (they only have them at Roundy's stores...the latest location being Copps, which closes at 11pm) ...but I did wake up on my couch this morning with a repurposed oatmeal canister full of...something sitting in the middle of my living room floor.

At least it was upright. And I wasn't naked. Or waking up next to some creepy stranger. There were definitely worse things I could have found as artifacts from the night before. A friend I'd shared a kindergarten room with had once told me of a time she woke up in the front lawn of a strange apartment building, wearing only galoshes, which she remembers being thankful for having during what must've been quite a downpour.

As I'm currently on the verge of going back into treatment because I keep fucking the fuck up with my endless fucking string of "Well, yeah, this situation could be worse. I could make this situation worse. Sure: watch this!"

Essentially what we're doing here is mixing as many PG-13 elements of danger together as possible. Fucking chemistry!

Tonight, (this morning really, I sit drinking a glass of ambiguous organic red wine,

(that I impulsively bought when I went on my second ever grown-up grocery shopping sojourn at Woodman's Sunday when last I was up at 4am),

too tired to write anything coherent to

("Dear School A, May I come to your school to obtain a degree sometime late January 2012? kthx! me" ::DONE!::)

anyone

("Dear School 1/School 2, lol i w2b a nurse again...oops lolz Can you teach me?? xome")

but too wide awake after an evening of caffeine and various power-enhancing, brain-twisting and otherwise prescribed ingestions to lay it all to rest

("So XYZ...it would seem I'm losing my mind and have a death wish to get things as pointlessly fucked up as possible. Like I don't want to inconvenience anyone-fuckedup, but I might be trying too hard to look crazy. You know, when they do my E! True Hollywood Story.") ...is what I'd write if I was losing my mind. Which I'm not.

Although I do wonder if anyone's concerns about my health would be alleviated if I could at least commit to drinking half a bottle of wine every night? ...without expelling it(&its subsequent calories)? aHA!

I forget that I hold my attention far longer than I hold anyone else's...

I have two weeks to make some pretty major decisions so I'm approaching the upcoming challenges with what might be seen as passive, desperate and tragically un-hip attempt at Anne Frank-dom(/YouTube fame) so I'm trying to live as "by the book" as possible...not necessarily the treatment-approved book, but my own, which has a lot of doodles.

I am drawing a page from RMH in my Fixitall Frenzy...

Feeling: disappointed(in my inability to stick.to.anything. . EVER. I even bought fucking STICKERS this time). Um...I guess that's most of it. It's after 3, I've been home for nearly four hours now, during which I've had no one infringing or intruding on my decisions or time but me...and I'm feeling mostly disappointed. Well dammit.

Urges: I'm really hungry...which could mean eating the Pub Salad I have sitting in the fridge...or I could drive to Festival [24hrs. ORWAL-MARTomgz] and get some REAL food. Oh yeah or I could eat a yogurt/apple/banana, drink some water, etc...but much better than that, I'd like to eat some chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. Or - ooh! even better!! - some chocolate chip cookie dough cheesecake like I saw on Pinterest...with ice - no - custard! A big tub o frosting!! TOM & JERRY MIX!!!

Behaviors: Since I've been home? All day? Let’s see. I woke up this morning around 1:00 pm after finally taking my Zyprexa at 4:00 am. I started my day with a yogurt and a banana, then grabbed a blackberry scone @Lox on the way into work at 2:30 and ate a portabella zucchini mix for dinner. I drank nothing at work besides a cup of coffee and half a bottle of Diet Pepsi, then finished off the evening with a bowl of garbanzo bean chili and a can of Diet Coke. I have a busy weekend ahead of me at work, so I just popped my last pill and am wrapping up this post with a swallowfull of Banrock Station…which – on an unrelated note – brings me to the conclusion of my “tannin” study. Based completely on no scientific data other than “I bought the goddamn stickers,” I deem today an overall success.

Ooh, probably avoidance and body checking. And reassurance-seeking. Aaaand being emotionally manipulative…which is, in reality, how I go about seeking reassurance. Ick.

Challenged by: Wanting to restrict all day just to really “start fresh” with my new “healthy” approach to “life.” Wanting to get in one last binge/purge. Wanting to take a bite of a customer’s carrot cake when she jokingly offered it to me because I “deserved it!” Feeling vindicated when someone said I needed to eat a cheeseburger. Feeling vindicated again when someone else withdrew the predictable “what’s your favorite beer/dinner/dessert?” because clearly I don’t drink, eat nothing but celery, and consume less calories in a week than are in our brownie. I wanted to have several dramatic conversations today…which sounds a little bit schizophrenic, but I’m of the opinion lately that everything seems to have a “bigness” about it that can’t be approached so daintily. …so I guess I don’t think I was looking for drama as a “behavior” – like not to use it as an excuse to allow myself other behaviors. Maybe. I was challenged by the convenience of my flakiness which allows me to push things off and pretend I’m eccentric rather than crazy. Ooh, and I hated thinking about what people were thinking seeing me eat tonight…but then I was a little bit proud that something I was doing was being noticed, which might mean it’s a valid thing to be doing.

Ugh, and thinking for myself…that’s always a challenge.

Learned: how important perspective is. It’s funny that, for as often as that’s been the nutshell version of a day’s lessons, I fail to implement thinking about things from a lucid perspective, and how easily and sharply I can get bent out of shape.

Also, I can’t imagine what it would be like to see the person I love with the wrong person. …especially after watching tonight’s poignant episode of Frasier.

Positive: I’m officially on the coasting side of my him-less week, and will soon be able to see him more often than not again. …and I’m aware that this is the part where I get nervous about the waning of our honeymoon phase, and am trying to be appropriately proactive by being invested in both my relationship and my individual journey equally.

Tomorrow I meet with my doc for my three-months-out checkup. I will eat breakfast – which may mean a) monkey peeling and chomping down the second banana from my obnoxious bouquet (bunch?) that contained at least a dozen giant bananas when I bought it last week, or

b) spending the morning grocery shopping for and baking the perfect loaf of banana bread and presenting it to my mother as a solem vow that I would never again use food or lackthereof as a weapon.

+ Greek yogurt (peach tomorrow??) + whole grain blackberry scone.

…which sure did almost come out “-bearry.” Lol

Which in itself is something good, and so for now I shall bid adieu.


24+ hours :)